Book Review: The 47 People You’ll Meet in Middle School, by Kristin Mahoney, published August 6, 2019, 304 pages, Lexile 740, recommended for grades 3-7 or ages 9-11. Please note: this book is not yet in the pageturner library and requires student requests before purchases can be made.
You might think I’m still in the numbers game from last week, but I promise that’s not it, or at least, not totally it. This novel is less about the numbers and much more about one 6th grader’s discomfort and adjustments to middle school. Gus, short for Augusta, is writing to answer her younger sister Lou’s questions about what’s middle school like? In the real world, we are now only a week away from the start of the school year. Many 5th graders have questions, mostly unspoken, on exactly that topic. This book can relieve some of the pressure of change.
While Gus does indeed outline a number of people whose type Lou is likely to meet--some of whom I remember with dread still, decades later--she’s also explaining herself. She explains how she was feeling about their parents’ divorce, and the strain it put on all of them in setting up two domiciles, and two of everything else, right down to the girls’ wardrobes. She opens up about her anger, when she’s denied the contact lenses their parents had promised, now out of reach because money’s tight when two of everything necessarily also doubles the family’s bills. She’s learning she may be an introvert, although she doesn’t use the term; she exposes her shyness, and how awkward it is to greet your bff only to learn she’s morphed into a different person over the summer and is no longer interested in you. She limns unfair double standards between adults and children, when in one hilarious episode she adapts her mom’s annual betting pool for one of her own in an attempt to earn some money for those contacts. Apparently she’s the only 6th grader who wears glasses. (I was in 6th grade, always assigned to the last seats in the rear because I was already almost 6’ tall, when Sister Mary Francis swept into our room (she wasn’t even our teacher!) and loudly announced that “D--- H-- needs GLASSES.” Sure I was squinting. When the school later asked if I wanted to skip 7th grade, I was so relieved not to be with that class anymore. Sadly, 8th graders wanted nothing to do with me, either, and by then I was 6’2”. I was occasionally “4-eyes” but others wore glasses, too, so they soon left off that moniker. It was “Empire State Building” that stuck, soon down to a simple “ESB.” And I hadn’t considered that, or accounted for, algebra starting in 7th grade.)
“You will have no idea where to go. I don’t just mean getting lost in the building (although that happens), but you won’t know which people to go to, because you won’t know who your people are. You may think you will, but you won’t…The people will surprise you. For better and for worse.”
About “the scary teacher,” Gus notes:
“Mr. McCabe patrols the aisles of his classroom with a bat perched on his shoulder, kind of like a cartoon caveman with a club. And he does bring the bat down when kids least expect it. Oh, and the bat has a name. It’s Lorenzo… Mr. McCabe used to be a Marine. I think that’s why he calls us all by our last names. He also says things like “If a good Marine has only ten minutes to rest, he can fall asleep in one minute and get nine good minutes of shut-eye.” The first time he told us that, Nick of course yelled, “How about we try that now!” which earned his desk a visit from Lorenzo. Mr. McCabe has traveled all over the world, and as the year has gone on, we’ve learned that if we play our cards right, we can distract him and get him to tell us all about
roast guinea pig in Peru or riding an elephant in Kenya. Not only are the stories fascinating, but the more time he spends telling them, the less time we have to discuss amoebas or the periodic table of elements.”
Another reason to skip 7th grade was Sister Agnes Celeste. She had once broken the 7th grade room’s blackboard with Mary Ellen Campbell’s brother’s head. It’s interesting, though, that even though they were petrified of Mr. McCabe, Gus’ 6th graders could still wrap him around their virtual fingers!
Then there’s the teacher who follows mom on FB, knows far too much about Gus’ personal life, and somehow thinks broadcasting it to the whole class makes them besties, as she babbles:
“'Augusta can probably tell us all about this from her trip to Washington.”'Nothing makes other kids think you’re a weirdo like a teacher treating you like you’re her assistant. But the worst was when she brought up the Smithsonian Museum of American History. As always, she looked at me to ask if we’d gone there, but this time she phrased the question differently. 'Did your parents take you to that museum, Augusta?”'And without thinking, I answered, 'My mom did—yeah.”'Then it was like a little light bulb went off for Ms. Tedesco and she murmured, 'Oh yes, only your mom. That’s right. Forgive me for forgetting.”'Then her mouth did a downward turn, and I could have sworn I saw her mouth the word “divorce” as she made a little note on her clipboard. With the same expression someone might use while contemplating “cockroaches” or “nuclear war.” Mercifully, by the time my parents split up we’d moved halfway across the country and nobody in my class knew me at all.
Do you remember “the kid with questionable hygiene” from YOUR classes? I think I was only in 2nd grade or thereabouts when I looked closely at the boy across from me, who smelled bad, and noticed that black dirt clogged the pores of his arm. I didn’t even know what pores were, but it was clear the dirt was in deep! In Catholic school we didn’t have a boy who pinched girls’ butt cheeks, in the book called “the Gooser,”but we did have a male ménage who routinely made jokes about our bodies: “What’s the strongest structure in the world? Answer: the bra, because it holds up two milk factories.” Sigh*
Gus advises Lou: “…[G]rown-ups aren’t always with you in middle school the way they are in elementary school. Jerky kids can get away with stuff they never would have when they were younger. Sometimes you can’t depend on teachers to save the day.” Right??!
First-day-of-middle-school lunch terror feels more like you’ve just landed on a new planet where all the other aliens know exactly what to do, and you are totally confused by their customs.”
Under “Favorite teacher,” Gus introduces her art teacher, Ms. Barakat, who says: “I hope that middle school for you can be a time of getting to know yourself and finding your village. Heidi raised her hand. “What do you mean, ‘finding your village’?” she asked. “Your people,” Ms. Barakat explained. “The ones who make you feel at home in your own skin.” Addison, Marcy, and Heidi exchanged a look that said they already had a village and were also quite comfortable with their skin, thank you very much. I looked around and wondered if I would ever have a village at all. Or feel comfortable in my skin. Half the time lately, I didn’t even feel “at home” in our actual home. Either of them.”
When the school advertises a Sadie Hawkins Day dance, Ms. Barakat is asked to explain: ““Who’s Sadie Hawkins?” “Well.” Ms. Barakat took a deep breath. “She wasn’t a real person. She was a character in a comic strip. Hang on… let me see if I can find a picture.” She went to her laptop and did a quick search. “Here we go.” An image popped up on the Smart Board. It was a rough black-and-white drawing of a pitiful-looking girl with a giant nose, bumps all over her face, and a braid that stuck straight up into the air. “UGH!” Most of the class—especially the boys—gasped like their eyes were burning. “Yes, well,” Ms. Barakat said, “Sadie lived in a place called Dogpatch, and it seemed that everyone in town shared your opinion of her. But her father was rich and powerful, and he was determined to find her a husband. So he announced that every unmarried man in town would have to run in a race.” “And the winner would marry Sadie?” Eric asked. “No.” Ms. Barakat sighed again. “The loser. Her father knew no one in town wanted to marry her, so he was treating her as a punishment, not a reward.” It made me think of Mom, and what she says about commercials that objectify women. “And either way, he was treating her like she was a thing,” I said, without even realizing I was speaking out loud. “That’s right.” Ms. Barakat nodded at me.” We had no dances in any of my schools; by high school my school was girls only. Reading this book was my introduction to the Sadie Hawkins of Dogpatch, although I’ve been hearing about such dances since forever. And may I add: GAAHHHH.
Then her mom starts dating her 5th grade teacher and doesn’t tell Gus or Lou about it for months. Poor Gus!
Despite it all, or because of it all, Gus is growing into maturity and learning not only about the world but about HERSELF, as well. I find it touching that she wants to share all of this with her younger sister. Here’s a book to fill kids in on some of what they’ll experience in middle school; I think the heads up will be incredibly useful for both girls and boys: lessons in how to be, and how NOT to be. Btw, you can hear the family's favorite vacation song, pre-divorce, here:
https://youtu.be/G89chAA4l8s?si=LdtLEKJ1bu0KUHPz
https://youtu.be/G89chAA4l8s?si=LdtLEKJ1bu0KUHPz
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